Tragedy's guidance. Moving through grief.
- Nicole
- Jul 24
- 11 min read
Updated: Jul 24
Recently I shared on Instagram about the 4 purposes of tragedy. But I wanted to add to those thoughts, the ways I have moved through my grief, tragedy and loss throughout my adult life.
Here is the original post about tragedy's 4 purposes:
I don’t usually share this deep, but I felt compelled to on the year anniversary of losing a pregnancy and my dad in a 2 week time frame. You may disagree with me, but I believe all our experiences have purpose.
I always try to reflect on challenges, tragedies & hardships (as well as good times, euphoria, and blissful experiences) and think, “how can I use this to become a stronger version of myself and serve others with more wisdom and love?”
I don’t always figure it out, and sometimes it takes me years to see what I missed or what the purpose was. And obviously some things may always be a mystery.
Somehow, in God’s magical, infinite power he can use one tragedy to teach and inspire each person involved individually.
In my life, I have found 4 reasons for tragedy:
God wants to get our attention - i.e.: the “rock bottom” or “I’m talking to you!!!!” This one really wakes us up and you can see drastic changes in people’s lives almost immediately. (This happened to me in 2019.)
God will bring glory to himself through a miracle, healing, saving - my dad living with terminal cancer for 11 years while working, playing and being mostly positive, is an example of this. When we have a miracle in our life whether it’s health, financial, or other - we should always point back to God so he is glorified and others can know his strength.
Allowing us to relate to and serve others in a new and/or deeper way; have more empathy for others and understand people going through what we already have gone through.
God reminding us that “death to self” is all he really asks - this is a very tough one because there might never be a solution or a YES to your prayer request. We are simply asked to lay our burdens down each day at the foot of His cross, release control, let it be and keep moving through life with joy and trust.
The Lord does not ask any of us to do anything that he didn’t ask of his Son Jesus.
The Lord is using these tragedies to “finish the good work that He began in us.”
Tragedy, trauma and stress come in many different ways, some we don’t even think about because they may seem so “normal” to us in modern day society. I remember sitting in a chair at my first appointment with a functional doctor and him asking me to check off all the things, on this list he had, that had happened to me in the past few years….I checked off so many! It was a list of stressful, traumatic or life changing events. Some I didn’t even think about, and they were all just compounding on me without me even realizing it. I was just walking through life wondering why I wasn’t feeling as vibrant, healthy, alive and joyful as I used to and then I realized, “man all this stress is just sitting inside of me and I’m not being aware of it, moving through it or processing it at all!”
Here are some examples of tragedy, and then some examples of just big stressors: Loss of a loved one, long term illness of child/parent/yourself, divorce/separation, pregnancy loss, near death experience, addiction problems, desired child that hasn’t come yet, special needs children/parents/loved ones, broken relationships, big move/life change, starting a business, loss of a home/job, having a child.
Joy isn’t happiness because of circumstances; joy is trust,
peace and hope in spite of circumstances.
Here are my suggestions for moving through grief, tragedy, loss and stress that have helped me as I have dealt with multiple family members dying, 2 pregnancy losses, watching my father slowly suffer and die from cancer, moving out of the country, leaving a support system behind, broken relationships ....just like anyone who is reading this, we all have our own journey and difficulties to endure. Many of these suggestions, you innately know, but sometimes when we are in the depths of grief, we can forget the simple actions we can take to make ourselves feel a little better.
Let it be
When something happens just allow yourself to feel all the feelings. Whether you want to sit and be with others in the same situation or sit alone in quiet. Don’t drowned out the noise of your thoughts or sadness. Feel them, be sad, cry, weep, get comforted, be hugged, be down, talk about how you feel. This is not somewhere you want to stay forever, but it’s important to just be sad.
Think about the “period of mourning” in traditional and ancient cultures. It was a time that everyone knew 'that person or that family is in mourning, we will help them more, we will allow them to be more difficult, or less helpful'. But there was always an end to that where it was time to begin moving through real life again.
Release release release
Obviously there is no time limit to how long your grief or stress or sadness will last, and in many cases the sadness will be with you forever. But finding ways to release and allow those emotions to move through your body and out into the space outside of your body is so important. Our emotions are tied into our nervous system and our nervous system is tied to our hormones and our hormones direct the systems of our body and the systems of our body influence how we feel physically. It is all intertwined and needs movement and flow to stay healthy and alive.
Walk, jump rope, dance, play, swim, get massages, do yoga, lift weights, ride your bike, gentle stretching. Listen to your body and do what feels right. Don’t push yourself if it seems too stressful, sometimes too much movement is not what our body needs and can stress it out even more. We’re not trying to bury the feelings in sweat and loud music in our ears, we’re trying to move the feelings through us.
Find your IN-PERSON support
This is more difficult for some than others. Some people live near family and friends and already have a wonderful support system. Other people are still working to build their community and support system around them. And I want to clarify here that this is in-person, real life connections and community, not online. Yes there are great online threads, chat rooms, and support groups, BUT typing into a screen all day isn’t going to fill you up in the same way a coffee date with a friend, or dinner at your brother’s house will.
If you are having a hard time finding in person support, look for local support groups, grief houses, churches (small is usually better to make connections), work friends, neighbors. People want to help other people, and if people you see regularly know that you’re hurting, they will want to reach out and be kind and loving.
Get in water
Lake, ocean, river, pool, kiddie pool! Remember we were all created in water and still have that remembrance in our cells that water is safe. There is something really comforting about floating in the water and feeling held. Or going under water and coming up fully drenched and “re-birthed.” Ocean water especially, with its high salt content, is wonderful for your body and skin and the sand literally scrubs away dead skin cells and unneeded layers on top of your body. Float, swim, play, be refreshed.
Get in nature
We belong in nature, in the sunshine, with the earth touching our skin. If you spend time outside everyday, you will feel so much better. Watching the sunrise and sunset is a great tool to set your hormone regulation for the day. This practice alone will shift your sleep quality, digestion, and nervous system.
Being in nature can mean as little as sitting on a blanket at the park or in your yard for a picnic or with a good book; or it can mean going on a hike or going camping, taking a beach trip or lake trip; walking through the snow or walking in the sand. Observe the cycles of the moon and how the sun shifts through the year; watch a butterfly on a flower, or a bird build a nest, or kick a ball with your kids on the lawn - this all causes you to slow down and slowing down makes your body feel safe.
Write
Writing in a journal is a habit I have had since I was a young girl and I find that in difficult times, I reach it for it even more. Sometimes my thoughts don’t all get formed until I start writing and then they just come out. And it feels so good.
If you’ve lost someone you love, write a letter to them.
If you are in a tumultuous time of your life, write a letter to yourself from the future.
If you are angry or confused with God, write a letter to Him.
If you are experiencing a broken relationship, write a letter to that person- you might never give it to them, but write it and burn it maybe, those words sometimes just need to get out, not be heard by someone else.
Have some fun
Go dancing or dance at home, swing, play on a jungle gym, play sports, find a new hobby, paint, draw, sing, garden, watch a funny movie, joke around, be silly, make fun of yourself.
Laughter is such a soothing balm for all ailments and sadness of the soul.
Serve others
We were created as beings that want to give and want to receive and be in constant reciprocity. We are communal, “herd” animals and that means that we thrive when we not only get support from others, but GIVE support to others. I’m not suggesting we constantly over-extend ourselves and give, give, give. But when we go through something, a great way to bring purpose to that experience is to help others who may be going through something similar.
Serving others can look like taking someone a meal, offering to buy groceries for a friend/family member in need, inviting someone over for a meal, sending someone a care package, writing a letter to a friend (a real letter with a stamp!), watching someone’s kids for them; taking flowers to someone in mourning; sharing a good book with a friend; taking your neighbor a dish of muffins or some goodies from your garden.
We get filled up when we pour out. A plant with flowers will produce so many more flowers, if you continue to pick her flowers. If you leave all the flowers on the plant, she will end her life cycle much quicker. It’s important to note that obviously the plant must be healthy and nourished in the first place, in order to flower. Share your flowers and trust me, you will keep making more!
Plant something for the lost loved one
This is a practice that many people do for lost loved ones, lost pregnancies, lost babies. We planted an orange tree for my dad, after he died. He loved navel oranges in the winter and never had his own tree, but now my mom has a beautiful little orange tree at her house that she can eat sweet fruits from, and every time she looks at it, she smiles. Planting a tree after tragedy or loss is a visual reminder that life continues to go on and grow even as another life or dream was lost.
Honor the dead- this one is specific to those of us who have lost a close loved one
This was something that I used to struggle with coming from a very conservative Christian background. I used to think that somehow creating ceremony, setting up candles and flowers and an “altar” to honor people we lost would be sacrilegious or sinful. But after sitting with these thoughts, and learning more about traditional death ceremonies and celebrations, I came to my own conclusion that just because we make an “ofrenda or altar” to our lost loved ones it does not mean we are idolizing them or trying to bring them back from the dead.
We started celebrating Dia de los Muertos last year and goodness, our altar was full! We have lost a lot of family members, especially over the past 11 years that my husband and I have been married. We had photos, and special things that our loved ones owned, flowers, and drawings, and candles. It was so, so beautiful and special to create and make all the decorations and parts of our altar as a family. We set it up a couple weeks before the end of October and on the actual holiday, we made a special meal, talked a lot about all our loved ones, played some games, and made special day of the dead sweet bread.
Ceremony has become a huge part of our family life, and I have loved making these ceremonies a part of our family culture for the five of us. I think us “westerners” are missing out on so much healing and loveliness by not making ceremony a part of our regular lives.
You don’t have to go all out like we did for Day of the Dead, but I think it is so important to do something meaningful on days that hold value and memories. You could go somewhere special on the birthday or death anniversary of a loved one - cook a meal they loved, watch a movie they loved, or go to a sporting event they enjoyed, listen to their favorite music, look through photo albums. The more I think about this, the more I feel that is almost disrespectful and very sad to let a birthday or deathiversary pass without honoring that person in any way.
Gentle herbs
There are many herbs that can be taken as a tea or tincture that can soothe your nervous system and help you during times of high stress, sadness, and anxiousness. They can also help with sleep and relaxation. Take a look at this post I did on making your own herbal infusions.
Try these herbs when your heart hurts:
Lemon balm
Passion flower
Rose
Butterfly pea
Tulsi (holy basil)
Milky oats
Nourishment (especially if you’re in a long term illness or caretaker situation)
When your body is under a state of stress and anxiety because of tragedy or long-term sickness, one of the worst things you can do is stop eating. In order for your body to feel safe, your heart beat to slow down, your blood pressure and blood sugar to stay stable, and your brain to function properly - you need a regular source of good energy and that can only come from whole foods!
Focus on warm, easy to digest foods that not only fill you up, but keep you feeling warm and full inside.
Carbs/sugars from fruit, juice, honey, root veggies; meats from healthy animals; milk and cheeses; fats from butter, animal fat, and coconut oil; herbal tea, coffee, broth; and keep it coming every few hours.
Open your arms.
Literally, go outside and stand in the sun, on the earth, in the breeze and open up your arms wide to what this tragedy, this experience, this journey has for you. Everything we go through has purpose, if we allow it. Will you let this experience be in vain or will you use it to become stronger, wiser, calmer and serve and love others in a deeper way? Wait. Listen. It may take years but you will see growth and purpose.
I hope these suggestions can bring you some inspiration and that you can feel the love and thoughtfulness I poured into these words. I wrote them for myself and for you. And whatever you are going through or have been through, know that you are being held by arms from above, full of love.
xoxo
Stay nourished,
Nicole
Comments